My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
