I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
