It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize