I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The air was thick with penises
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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