Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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