Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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