I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
