hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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