If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
