I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
