you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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