I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
