Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
