im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dicks are not precious.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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