so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize