he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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