Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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