I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
one two three fourrrrnication!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
