return my video game
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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