Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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