The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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