Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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