not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
