I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
