My underwear smells like fireworks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
