Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
