you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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