Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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