I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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