Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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