the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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