Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
