And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
