I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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