it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
