Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
