This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
