Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
