rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize