It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
4 words: hood of his car
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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