I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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