just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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