I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
