From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
