I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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