im about as happy as oj after his trial
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
