we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think my moral compass just broke
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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