Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
