Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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