He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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