im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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