Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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