I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
