I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
