I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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