Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
