he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My bed smells like the plague
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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