Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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