I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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