I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
